Please change the Olympics.
There are certain problems with the Olympic games that can easily be fixed by either changing specific rules or by removing events all together. Fortunately, I've compiled a short list of issues that, when remedied, will make the 2012 Olympics slightly more bearable.
- Equestrian Events
Seriously, get rid of this crap. The Olympics is supposed to be a celebration of the physical feats of humans and in no way does riding a fast horse show the world any specific human prowess. However, if you wanted to add some more events to the olympics that require the same amount of human skill as the equestrian events, I would suggest:
- Falconry : hunting with birds is an awesome skill.
- Auto Racing: if you can steer a horse, you can steer a car. Vroom Vroom!
- Sheep Herding : One animal is for sissies, real athletes control an entire herd.
Dispense with all of the different strokes races. Swimming races should be about going from point A to point B in the shortest amount of time and it should be up to the swimmer to decide which swimming style is the most efficient for them. Let's face it, the butterfly, although quite a physically demanding way to swim, is utterly pointless and inefficient in a distance swim. However, if you would like to add events to the olympics that are as important as the various strokes races, I would suggest:
- Backwards running: it may be pointless, but it is a physical challenge
- Joggling: jogging while juggling, the coolest running event I have seen that isn't an Olympic event
- Walking on your Hands: do a handstand, now try to "walk" 50 meters
- Pole Vault and Highjump:
Woohooo! Two for the price of one. Require the athletes to land on their feet. If you can't land it, you didn't do it. However, if you don't feel like making athletes land on their feet, might I suggest not requiring a landing in the following events:
- Gymnastics: hey, a flip is a flip, don't worry about the landing.
- Ski Jumping for Distance: if you go the farthest, you win. Landing is for suckers.
Another option, although not quite as good as requiring a landing, is to remove the big soft cushy landing mats that the athletes use. Flop on that, suckers!
- Professional Athletes:
Don't allow athletes to compete in a sporting event if they have ever received a monetary payment for playing that sport. What this really means is that professional basketball players should not be on an Olympic basketball team and professional hockey players should not be on an Olympic hockey team. However, it would be quite alright for a professional tennis player to be on an Olympic ping-pong or badminton team.
Well that should do it for now. Stay trashy and keep taking bribes.
PS. Can you please ask London to change their ugly as all hell Olympic logo?